Ugh, so I promise that one of these posts, someday, will be non-emotional and it will actually be interesting for you to read. But, this is not one of them.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I realize that I am at a crossroads in my life right now. I am stuck trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, and where I want to go.
The left turn, in this crossroad, is where my heart has been for the past 2 years (and a few months). My heart has been with Brandon Adawi. I gave it to him, and he gave me his. It's been a long, hard past 2 years, but now that I see the end in sight, I can't help but want to turn and run away. I'm so scared of what is going to happen. Things are perfect between he and I, but there are outside influences that are making things difficult. It would be easier for me to just turn and run away, run back to somewhere comfortable, run to something easy. But, is that necessarily what is good for me? I've lived my life going through things that weren't easy, and for once, when something was easy, people went and complicated things and made it not easy anymore.
I don't know if I should take this left turn, go to where my heart is, and go down that path. Or, if I should look down that road and just keep running the way that I'm going.
A friend of mine told me last night, that he was in love with me, and that he really really likes me. I was completely caught off guard. But then he said, that he knew that I couldn't love him back, or even like him back, because my head and my heart are closed. He didn't tell me that, because he wanted a reaction out of me, but he told me that because he just wanted me to know. In all actually, he just opened my eyes to how I may have treated people recently. In the past 2 years, I have closed my heart. I promised Brandon that I would, that I wouldn't let anyone steal my heart from him, let alone from me. And, maybe this is my fear talking, but maybe by me doing that, I closed off doors to great people, who I should have ended up with. Who's family will not hate me, who' will stick up for me, who will be the man that he needs to be.
I have a problem, I second guess every decision that I make. And, I'm not saying in anyway, that I do not love Brandon with all of my heart. But, what I am saying is, what if there is someone out there that loved me with all of their heart, and I was blinded by Brandon, to see that?
I have 52 days, until Brandon comes home, and until I can finally choose the path that I will travel down.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth
Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference
7 years ago
1 comment:
Wow, I am so glad to know I'm not the only one who ever feels like this. I mentioned it to one of my friends once and she thought I meant I was having second thoughts and that I had lost interest in my missionary. It is interesting to think about. I kind of think that if it were really imperative that we be with someone else, Heavenly Father would let us know though. Just make sure you are always listening and trying to do everything Heavenly Father wants you to and you'll be okay. :)
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